"why is it so funny to refer to every bald guy as moby? and why do they get so mad?"
"I become a completely different person when I'm stuck walking behind old people."
"i need to get a smart car so my life can finally be a complete and total joke"
"Just realized I've only showered once in the past week. So that's why I look like this...."
"children have been screaming outside of my house for about 3 hours now. not saying any words, just screaming."
"eating french onion dip alone is a bad idea. there's no one there to make you feel bad about yourself, and therefore, no reason to stop eating it."
"how is dexter soooo good? i've never been more certain that i wouldn't care if my boyfriend was a serial killer."
"i physically can't apply to any more jobs. i just can't. 183 is my cut off. I started sending the most ridiculous cover letters that will without a doubt frighten whoever reads them."
"having glass in your feet is not as fun as it sounds. and it probably doesn't sound fun. unless you're a weirdo. in which case we're not friends anymore."
"Sorry liver"
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